I have often felt lonely, abandoned, as if I had lost something,
but I didn’t know what that something was.
A consuming sense of homesickness troubled me
and my heart felt as if it were being rubbed over with sandpaper.
Despite every attempt I just could not free myself of the pain I felt.
Fear showed itself, fear of an unknown emptiness, of a dark gaping hole of loss.
Desperation took hold of me and dragged me deeper and deeper into the abyss.
I was unable to withstand the maelstrom.
Thus came the moment in which my resistance was broken.
I fell down. A storm erupted within me, like an explosion.
Nothing seemed to remain whole, everything was torn to shreds.
Fragments of events of my life flew around me.
I stood there defenceless, almost uninvolved.
How long it lasted I do not know.
Time seemed to have fallen apart at the seams.
And then a sense of calm manifested itself –
and I realised that everything had found its rightful place.
I was able to understand why my life was so confusing.
I realised what I was lacking
and what had been present in my childhood.
My heart shouted with joy.
The lost quality was back again: it was the reason for my existence,
the primary reason.
It was like a miracle.
An inner spiritual energy had replaced the abyss.
The loneliness and fear had disappeared.
As if they had never existed. It was the beginning of something new.
I rediscovered my inner compass, and at the same time courage and trust too.
I can continue on my path,
leading me to the place of my inner yearning.
The compass points the way there, to the unfathomable one who I am.